There is more than meets the eye and the surface doesn’t tell the whole story in as far as human nature is concerned. Appearances can mislead in the sense that people have mastered the art of concealing their dark side or shadow personality from public view. This could either be borne out of the deep desire to fit in or it may as well be outright manipulation to achieve certain ends. The genesis of it all starts in the early stages of life. Parents curtail our boundless energy and excitement by forcing us to act a certain way when visitors are around and as we advance in age our suppressed tendencies become holed up deep within. In a sense we become two individuals in one body so to speak. Rain beats the leopard’s skin but it does not wash out the spots. Similarly, the arduous task of concealing personality doesn’t alter our true self.
The teeth that laugh are also those that bite is a West African proverb which holds true. We once had neighbors who interestingly enough hailed from the same region of origin as the aforementioned quoted proverb. The couple appeared affable and smiled a whole lot. It was commonplace for them to crack jokes and this endeared them with the rest of the team in the neighborhood. The only drawback was the language barrier. In as much as we all spoke English, there was a great deal of variation and each party had to remind the other to slow down their speech pattern so that words can be picked apart. That notwithstanding, they were good company.
Little did we know that beneath the veneer lay a dark side. They were seething with rage and it all came to the fore one evening. Children had just arrived from school. After a short while, the stillness of the evening was broken by the loud noise of children playing in the common play area within the estate. Being a Friday, the children couldn’t curtail their excitement and they segregated into groups based on common interest. The boys played soccer and the girls did what they do best.
One boy kicked the ball too high up in the air and it landed in the wrong place right in the middle of the West African’s compound. He climbed over the fence to retrieve the ball. Barely a second later, the boy lay on the ground courtesy of a hot slap that landed on his face and almost broke his jaw. He blacked out and after coming to his senses, he got up and went home straight to bed. An interesting evening was prematurely cut short by individuals who refused to budge one inch and let children be children. Their smile covered repressed aggression and anger. A meeting was called and they admitted no fault hence no apology was forthcoming from their end.
Several decades back while growing up we had a neighbor who was as tough as whitleather and many times cracked a smile when everyone else laughed hysterically. This is the mental picture of him that stuck in my mind for years on end. Was taken aback one day when in the middle of a speech he got emotional. He was choking back tears as he talked about his mother and the upbringing that he had. Didn’t know what to make of the situation but was definitely moved by the compelling stories he let out. People are rarely who they appear to be.
Prior to this, I would have easily bet every penny I had that in my lifetime I would never get to see his tears. As a child he must have been scolded for appearing weak and he attested to that fact. The ten-minute speech gave us a glimpse into his life. He had to act tough to get to where he is. If your only tool is a hammer you will see every problem as a nail. He was compelled to be tough from a tender age and only used the hammer approach throughout his life to the chagrin of those around him especially his children who bore the brunt of his toughness.
Exposing your own weak side makes you more human and relatable whereas being too perfect creates some form of suspicion and doubt. This is easier said than done and since we are all students of human nature, we will hold each other’s hands as we learn on the go. Be that as it may, I do find it hard to hide displeasure and can be blunt with the facial expression being a give away. Many would argue that the contrary position holds true and would describe me as calm as well as patient. The blunt tendencies got me in trouble many a times while growing up and my mother egged me to act a certain way contrary to how I would have had I been left to my own devices. Was put in the same spot many years later as what goes around comes around. My son looked straight into the eyes of a visitor and told them to go on their way. Don’t know what triggered the animosity whereas there was hardly any interaction between the two. Was at a loss of words and didn’t know what to make of the situation. Possibly a case of an apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree.
Pardon the digression, didn’t see the point of acting all nice as a child if I was clearly displeased. Over the years, my repressive coping mechanism is not saying more than I have to instead of trying to be nice. Would much rather be economical with words as opposed to engaging the use of flattery which goes against every fiber of my being. After all silence cannot be misquoted. Of course under duress I can let the cat out of the bag if push comes to shove and definitely say it as it is regardless of how one takes it. To be on the safe side though is that I will more than likely say the bare minimum or plead the fifth entirely but if you insist on knowing the truth, better swallow some pills first in anticipation.
In the public sphere, the repressed side is bound to rear its ugly head since political figures are constantly under microscopic scrutiny more so in this present day and age of social media. Much like it is with warfare, the key to success lies in disarming the enemy before an imminent attack. Abraham Lincoln was quite adept at this and made use of self-deprecating humor as he was constantly facing attack based on his outward appearance. In the local scene, I caught wind of someone taking a similar approach not too long ago and it worked like a charm. Her ratings went up the roof. Attempting to fight the repressed side will more than likely not end well as it did with Richard Nixon.
In conclusion, next time the village drunk who has a tendency of shouting from the rooftop lingers by your doorstep for a minute too long and has a word or two to say, pay close attention. He or she is on to something and the shadow is fully in charge. Their repressed and real side is speaking and the best approach is to hang on to every word he or she says. Slurred speech and all, don’t be surprised if he or she holds the golden key that can unlock a stalemate. An apology might come your way when their favorite poison wears out of their system but the silver lining is that the real message will have been put across even if they are rough around the edges.
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