I walked into an interesting scene one evening. A few minutes earlier, I had a battle of sorts within and struggled with whether or not to go to work in that I was supposed to take the night off but since a colleague was under the weather, I half-heartedly obliged to my boss’s request to step in for her. No sooner had I entered the store than I saw my colleague blowing hot steam. He was standing on the customer’s side and this baffled me because I expected him to be behind the counter. Apparently, in a fit of rage he jumped over the counter and wanted to beat up a customer to a pulp reason being he heard the customer making reference to a female dog while staring at him causing him to believe that the statement was directed at him when in actual sense it was not.
From the part of the world where he originated from, this was the highest form of insult one could receive. As such therefore, he could not fathom what had triggered the uncalled for insult. Such is the life of a narcissist. They are prone to being paranoid and they have real or perceived enemies in all directions one can think of. The customer had an earpiece on and was deeply engrossed in a conversation with someone on the other end of the line. When it dawned on him that the customer was not engaged in a conversation with him, his face turned pale and I could not help but laugh at the embarrassment he had brought on himself. Luckily enough is that he respected me and we seemed to get along well owing to the fact that I did not mind one bit listening to his ranting. Everything seemed to revolve around him and anyone who did not give him a listening ear faced his wrath.
Never once did I hear him asking anything or showing genuine interest in finding out personal details about others. In fact, when I mentioned that our other colleague was not feeling well, he shrugged it off and I was taken aback when he made a remark to the effect that her sickness was good for her in that it accorded her an opportunity to beat the blizzard. Twisted thinking was not alien to our interaction. Bravado and machismo gave him a false sense of confidence. He talked big and seemed to flourish in doing so and he felt too big for his britches. However, things would unravel at the seams when he was pushed to a corner. He once whispered to my ear and confessed to me that he had no clue how to complete an assigned task in which he had confidently told the boss he would complete in the blink of an eye. I could not help but empathize with my boss but soon tables turned and when I got a promotion, I had a full plate on my hands and did not know how to handle him since he became my direct report.
Narcissists tend to crave attention at every point and turn. This partially explains why he took on the challenge even though deep down inside, he knew he was ill equipped to perform the assigned task. If working with one is challenging enough, try dating one. In as much as he was as conceited as a barber’s cat, I found a way of working with him and rarely rubbed him the wrong way. We parted ways that evening on a good note and I heaved a sigh of relief when he decided to have a go at driving home even though a travel advisory had been issued owing to the heavy downfall of snow. The thought of being stuck with him for an entire shift was the least appealing option. However, in the event that it happened I was prepared to spend the evening in the cooler performing all manner of least appealing tasks.
Everyone relishes attention. Therefore, to some degree each and every living soul has some level of narcissism deeply embedded in their psyche. After all, who doesn’t love attention? Would be lying to myself if I admitted that the contrary position holds true. Human beings have a self-regulating thermostat of sorts which is essentially a self-image of ourselves which we have built over time. When an unmentionable word hits the fan, we can turn inwards and derive the comfort or attention that we so yearn and have been unable to receive from the outside world. Mark you, there is intense competition for attention out there. In the family we have siblings to contend with and at work we have colleagues to deal with. There is not enough attention to go around either. As a result, we either have to up our game or find an alternative way of filling the void.
Self-esteem which is essentially self-love or the regulating thermostat is built at the early stages of our development. Too much or too little attention from our parents at the crucial stage between two and five years plays a pivotal role. On one hand, neglect yields self-doubt or self-hatred triggering an outward need for validation. On the other hand, suffocating parental attention triggers an over reliance on others. Therefore, striking a balance is the key that can be utilized to avert disaster at a later stage in life. Either of the two instances puts one’s adult life on a wobbly peg. Everything comes to a head in the twenties and thirties for individuals ranked higher on the narcissist scale. However, all is not lost because there is a secret weapon that can be used to counter the negative excesses of narcissism and that is developing empathy which can be used as a tool to connect with others.
I once rode on my father’s empathic attitude for far too long and when he had enough, he took out his weapon of choice and gave me a lasting lesson that remained imprinted on my memory to this very day. More often than not, he put himself in my shoes and explained away any wrongdoing on my part. For the most part, people tend to use attribution bias to their own advantage. One’s own wrong is justified with a reason whereas others’ wrongdoing is a character flaw. I had committed many small mistakes for far too long and was not aware that my father had noted them. He opted to let sleeping dogs lie and gave me a benefit of doubt in many instances. The misdeeds varied in range from failure to complete assigned duties on time as stipulated in our prior agreement to taking the wheel out for a spin without consent. The straw that broke the camel’s back is when I majestically walked back into the compound late one evening after an eventful day out with a close friend. I knew I wouldn’t find him in at that hour but as fate would have it, he came back earlier than usual and the rest is history.
In as much as empathy is a useful tool to ward off the unwanted excesses of narcissism and is a useful tool for bonding, it can enable us to steer clear of trouble. Stepping away from self-absorption drives us towards paying close attention to others and in the process we are more likely to read body language with spot on accuracy. Technology is a hindrance and has weakened the bonds created by physical interaction but we ought not to let our guard down. More often than not we encounter instances whereby people are more drawn to their phones and are thus more likely to pay less attention to those whom they are in close proximity with. Conversation that is devoid of eye contact can take place between the two individuals who are deeply engrossed in their own worlds facilitated by technological gadgets. Pertinent details can be missed in such interactions.
One bright sunny afternoon, I decided to take a stroll in the neighborhood. After negotiating a bend, I bumped into an old nemesis. I was taken aback by his friendly approach towards me and greeted him with suspicion. In our last encounter were it not for the school bell ringing, we were this close to engaging in a fist fight over a girl. Even though he smiled at me as we engaged in a chit chat, I had my guard up and attempted to look around the corner in case his gang were hiding somewhere out of sight waiting to pounce on me when I least expected it. I handled him with kid gloves lest he summoned his friends. For a brief second I regretted taking the stroll. I paid less attention to what he said at the onset of the conversation as I planned a getaway in the event that things went south. After a short while, everything seemed to check out fine. He made eye contact and his body language implied he didn’t have any ill intentions. In any case I was the one who walked away with the coveted prize. A sore loser type of revenge is what I feared. At the end of the conversation we agreed to bury the hatchet and let bygones be bygones.
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